When did I start knowing that I had a limited amount of time to live? I don't really remember when it happened. I know it was some time after my powers manifested. But I've been living with this for two lives now.
In the last verse I had started to embrace the idea that I might just make it. My wife and I where happy, the business was going great, hell even my work as a marshal was good. I had a life, I had family, I had happiness. I lacked for nothing. Even if I was still paid to go get the shit kicked out of me by other meta humans while the other members of the team would end up subduing them. I was happy with it, I'm good at using my face to stop fists. We all have talents.
Then the colony ship happened, and the phoenix happened, and then I was alone.
So I was there in my 29th year and I couldn't take the ache any more. Any one who survived my universe did so by leaving. And there I was. Any one that tells you they want to just be alone is a lair, they want to control how they interact with people, they don't want to be alone. I've been alone. For 16 of the 17 months I was alive after earth I was alone. There was nothing for a hundred light years and that's only as far as I could scan.
In the moment that I gave up, the moment I let go, the moment I condemned myself, I was; then, I was gone, and was again.
I don't think there is really any right or wrong in it. I'm still the version I replaced but I'm also the version I left behind. I wish I didn't regret it, but everything hurts so bad on this side.
But I side tracking because we are talking about me knowing I'm on a timer.
I still don't know how I know but I know I have to get things done. I've got less than 15 years now to try and fix this and I doubt I'm up to it. Then I'm constantly surrounded by people who seem to think they will live forever and even if they have see struggle before they fail to act like it will come again. This time however, I will not let protocol, rank, or even niceness stand between me and saving earth. I will be the man on the wall.
These thoughts though have stared to effect me. I'm starting to think that I shouldn't even try and build up personal relationships, what's the point. The loss of my wife was enough to drive me to madness, why would I want that again?
When Captain Kirk told Captain Picard to never give up his command, he had it right. As long as you are the one in the chair you can make a difference. If I had not listened to some middle managements idea of how to structure a command I would never have turned over the keys to people I had no respect for.
The hate I feel for the people that put me in that position has also tainted my thoughts about Mr Wright. I will still honor his wishes like I would my own fathers but I don't have the same respect for him that I had before. Since he's seen all my logs I think he knows it too.
I am trying my best to do what he asked and make a new life, but what's the point of building up a whole pile of new things when I'm just one of the first things that will get thrown to the wheel. Don't get me wrong I love Birdwell, I really do, but it's very hard to focus on trying to get broken again.
Maybe Mr Wright is correct and I should just hit em and quit em for a while. I mean I was engaged to Rebbecca at 16 an married at 18 so it's not like I spent a long time running around. I just hate doing that kind of thing. It's so base and degrading to people to act like there is not emotional consequence for sex.
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